I’ve been seeing a worrying trend on the internet recently, where people say that anyone who cheats in a monogamous relationship “should just be polyamorous”. Worse yet, some seem to think that if everyone were polyamorous, cheating wouldn’t exist. There seem to be a lot of people who conflate polyamory with doing whatever you want. This post aims to address why not all cheaters are “actually polyamorous”.

People cheat for a wide variety of reasons

Not everyone cheats because they’re in love with someone else as well as their partner. There are many reasons why people cheat, and not all of them are rooted in the person being secretly polyamorous. Some people cheat because they’ve fallen out of love with their existing partner and in love with a new one. Some people cheat because they have unmet needs in their relationship. Some people cheat because they fail to resist temptation and excitement when an opportunity arises. Some people even cheat to self-sabotage their relationships due to low self-esteem or fear of commitment. There are too many reasons for cheating for this post to go into (for more information, read Esther Perel’s book ‘The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity’), but the point is that not everyone who cheats actually wants the commitment of more than one romantic relationship.

To be clear, cheating is wrong, and I am not trying to excuse cheating in any way. Lying to your partner and failing to be honest about your feelings and intentions is never okay, and people who cheat should take responsibility for their mistakes. On the other hand, I am also not trying to say that all people with a history of cheating should never be polyamorous. Many people cheat because they did not realise ethical non-monogamy was an option for them, and proceed to live happy and fulfilling polyamorous lives with their partners after atoning for their cheating past. Read More >